The Monokini

Target MonokiniThe most exciting thing I’ve bought this month?  This H-O-T monokini from Target.  I seriously did it, ladies.  I paid $29.99 for this ridiculous bathing suit that has had me laughing for two full weeks. (As a side note, I’m just glad this Target model has her crotch in-tact).

Background:
I was casually perusing the aisles of Target when this suit caught my eye.  I did a double-take. Because it was truly unbelievable and totally picture-worthy.  So I took a photo and posted it to my personal Facebook page asking who was going to be the first mom to sport it at our community pool.  The post had 18 Likes and 22 (HI-larious) Comments.

Later that evening (after a glass of wine or two), I made the following statement on FB:
“You realize I must now buy this suit.  Take a selfie in it.  And blog about how fabulous it makes me feel.  Perhaps it will be my first reader give-away.  YOU could win.  I’m doing it.  Stay tuned.”

Oops.

Because I don’t make promises I can’t keep, I went back to Target two days later.  The same Target that had a handful of these monokinis the first time I spotted them.  And there was only one left.  In size XS.

I bought it.

As I was checking out, the sales associate commented:  “This is the second one of these I’ve sold this morning.”  I told her I was a blogger.  And I was only purchasing it because it is SO RIDICULOUS.  Her response?  “Really?  I think it’s cute.”

And that’s one of the many problems we face as women today.  I am here to tell you – there is no reason to wear a monokini.  EVER.  No matter how flattering they are on the models of Victoria’s Secret, these are not for suburban motherhood.  Please.  Don’t do it.

The wildfire commentary about the monokini spread on my Facebook page.  I recently had a friend post this suit on my wall from Forever 21 (yes, this too is a monokini):

Forever21

And another friend today posted a picture of the Target monokini from Bellevue, WA.

TargetMonokini2

I love the shout outs!

But now that I own the suit, it’s going to get some leverage.  I’m currently working on a post:  Five Reasons You Should Buy a Monokini, that I’m going to pitch to Jill over at Scary Mommy (like never having to worry about losing the bottom of your suit).  And I may just do my first Vlog for Mama Kat while wearing it.  It’s that disgusting.

So, without further ado…here are the selfies:

Monokini

I should note, the sunglasses were photo-shopped in to make me look super-hip – HIP, get it???  Obviously, that was the only part of the picture that was photo-shopped.  I normally don’t wear shades in my walk-in closet – even while trying on monokinis.

My husband saw this picture and said, “A suit that creates Muffin Top AND Camel Toe?

Now for the side-view:

Monokini2

More photo-shopped shades.  I had to pose so this wasn’t an R-rated post.  And those are my panties hanging out.  Obviously, I was challenged to fit everything into the XS suit.

Trust me, this is not the last you’ve seen of this little number.  She’s simply making her debut.

P.S.  As mentioned, I am wearing undergarments in the photo, so if you’re seriously interested in winning this conversation piece of Eat Clean. Live Dirty. blogging history, enter your name in the comments section.

Live Dirty, people.  Live Dirty.  But not in a Monokini.

I love linking up with Mama Kat.

The Most Exciting Thing You’ve Purchased This Month

Mama’s Losin’ It

26 thoughts on “The Monokini

  1. oh. Wow.

    That said I’ve still got one from when I was 17. I should probably part with it since even when I was a stick thin 17y/o it gave me muffin top, highlighted my “pooch” and created the ever so flattering illusion of having very little torso. Bleh. But hey, if you’re looking for solidarity I’m happy to send a pic!

    • Sounds lovely! And happy to post solidarity pics of middle-aged women in bad bathing suits. It could be a post all its own. ;)

  2. Holy crap, I think I just tinkled myself!! This is awesome and please hell no, do not put me in the drawing for that suit! The only chance I have of it covering my nipples is that I’ve breast fed two kids and they hang down to my waist!

    • I have the same problem. I had to double-check nipples weren’t hanging out the sides of the suit when I posted the photos. I can never be sure these days…

  3. OH MY WORD!! Best post ever! lol Thanks for the selfies… I don’t think you are alone when you said RIDICULOUS! If I won it, I would probably give it to my dangerously skinny cousin who would probably LOVE this suit!

    Cinella @ The Mami Blog
    stoppin by form Mama Kats

  4. God bless you. Hopefully you will save others from the fate that is the monokini. I don’t think if you photoshopped your crotch that suit could look right. Thanks for taking one for the team.

  5. I HATE these things! I’ve felt they look slutty and NOT flattering since i was a kid – even the 10-year old version! And believe me, recently I’ve seen 10-year olds that were, BUT shouldn’t be wearing them! WHY would ANYBODY need to wear this shape??? (except VS models of course). Two visions instantly brought to mind 1) Julia Roberts a la Pretty Woman….2) chunky adult woman who SHOULD know better (probably me if i tried to wear one)! I believe those pics prove my second point – and Leigh has a great body in any other swimsuit! 2 Recommendations – 1) You need a side-view while seated/slightly leaning over 2) Have a challenge to see who can return the most awful random pics of strangers-in-monokinis this summer! Wish I had taken a few pics when I was at an indoor family water park during Spring Break!!!

    • This made me laugh out loud. “You need a side-view while seated/slightly leaning over.” Sadly, I’ve looked at myself in this suit from all angles. The center “strap” if you will sags with gravity any time I bend over. So does my tummy. It’s awful and hilarious at the same time.

      • LMAO, I get it – yes you need not pose again – you were brave enough to do it at all!!! I didn’t even realize about the added bonus of the center strap sagging – HAHAHA! Maybe someone can add a random pic exhibiting that “look”.

  6. I always know I will get a laugh reading your blogs. I’m laying here putting my son to bed and I keep waking him up laughing. Thanks Leigh!

  7. OMG! You are so awesome. And brave! So funny. Thank you for this.
    And since your FB post, the monokini has grown on me. Not ashamed.
    Just kidding, I hate myself.
    For hairy people like me, it does save on some waxing and bleaching costs. Economical, see.
    You are amazing. Love this post and you!

  8. Best post ever!! Brennan says you should become a WWF wrestler by the name of The Monokini Maniac!! I can’t stop laughing, you’ve outdone yourself and I love you for that!! Btw if it wasn’t obvious because you know me I should NOT be in the drawing…however I’m guessing in a few years Ella could probably get away with wearing it!!

  9. This is exactly why people shouldn’t be drinking and perusing social media at the same time. Just look at what you’ve gotten yourself into (literally)…but oh. my. lord. it is amazing. Looking forward to the momokini series.

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  11. Bless your heart! You are a brave soul putting it all out there….so to speak! I love the photoshop shades! I don’t think anyone one of any age would look good in this. I do think the lucky winner needs to supply us with a selfie as well!

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