My Life in Facebook Posts

FacebookI am once again participating in Mama Kat’s (Pretty Much World Famous) Writer’s Workshop.  She’s a funny gal and I’m particularly fond of her most recent vlog post on the Vanilla Vodka ChaiCheck her out.

Over the past six years, I have documented my life on Facebook. Mostly the comical parts – because good or bad, that’s what I want to remember. Motherhood makes me HaPpY (and tired).  My boys make me HaPpY (and tired).  And looking back at Facebook posts over the past five years makes me HaPpY (and tired).  Here are some of the highlights – though some may consider them lowlights – of my wonderfully fun and poop-filled life.

2009:  This is the year I went through trying rounds of IVF, got blessedly pregnant with twins, gained 40 pounds, and potty-trained an almost three-year-old.

  • I am still scratching my head as to why Abe just pooped in the yard like a dog. We were at home. Wouldn’t coming in to use the potty be much easier? Sept. 2009
  • I bought Abe a doll today in prep for his Big Brothers, Big Sisters class tomorrow. He named him Hawaii, had his clothes ripped off before we even left the parking lot, and was very disappointed that he didn’t have a penis.  Oct. 2009
  • Abe held up his mummy figurine and said, “This is a mummy. He’s covered in toilet paper. He must have peed himself or something.”  Oct. 2009
  • As Abe was taking off Gus’ diaper, he said in eager anticipation of what was inside, “Wait until you see this!”  Dec. 2009

No Sleep2010:  I was more exhausted than I ever thought humanly possible.  Putting the coffee pot into the refrigerator exhausted.  I never imagined one could survive on such little sleep.  But I did.  And it wasn’t pretty.

  • I accidentally sprayed hairspray in my arm pits at the gym instead of antiperspirant. It made for quite the sticky situation in Body Combat class. Feb. 2010

I was shocked at how much Abe had seemingly grown overnight. His shorts were practically ripping at the seams. As he was running visibly uncomfortably through the airport yesterday, I took a closer look and realized I had put the twins’ 6-12 month shorts on him. He’s 3.  Poor kid.  June 2010

  • I am hitting the gym for the sole purpose of showering in peace.  July 2010

Scooby2011:  I was finally starting to feel like myself again.  It only took one. full. year.  The Twin Dirties began sleeping through the night at the tender age of 13 months.  And Abe became obsessed with Scooby Doo and Easter Eggs.

  • I was a bit troubled when Abe repeatedly asked to watch the “Headless Whore” Scooby Doo. My fears were eased when I went On Demand to find it was actually the “Headless Horror.” Whew. July 2011

On the path to self-discovery, Abe announced today: “I found an Easter egg in my ball sack.” August 2011

  • I’m quite certain sleeping in the jungle amidst wild animals would have been more peaceful than sleeping in a standard hotel room at the Ramada with my three boys. Holy sleepless night. Oct. 2011

2012:  This is the year I Got My Groove Back.  Or tried.  But failed miserably.

  • Case Scenario: Abe solo in tub after bathing with twins.
    Abe: “Mom. MOm. MOM!”
    Me: Yes, Abe.
    Abe: “There’s poop in the tub.
    “Me: “Is it YOUR poop?
    Abe: “Yes.
    Me: “What? Why?”
    Abe: “I just stuck my finger up my butt and that’s what came out.”  Jan. 2012
  • Gus cozied up next to me at a ridiculous hour this morning. I played dead. He began prodding his index finger into my armpits. “Prickly. I like Prickly,” he stated. He is going to make one fellow unkept woman very happy some day. May 2012
  • If anyone spots a pair of high-gloss twins, they likely belong to me. Gus got into my clear nail polish. He painted his entire body from face to feet. And Ben’s as well. At first I thought it was snot, but quickly discovered it doesn’t remove as easily. June 2012

Apparently, my crotch has been shining like a bad moon rising since 2:15 p.m. I went to change into my PJ’s and noticed my Nike running pants were on inside out. The last time I changed was when trying on clothes this afternoon. Since then, I’ve been to Trader Joe’s, had a 30 minute conversation with our nanny, and climbed a play structure outside. Head hung in shame. Dave said, “I noticed, but I see so many weird things on a daily basis…why bother?” Aug. 2012Halloween Inflatable

  • One moment I’m shaking it on the dance floor to The Diddy and the next thing I know I’m a mother of three with a Halloween inflatable in my yard. Living the minivan dream. Oct. 2012

2013:  This is the year I potty-trained the Twin Dirties.  And gained an amazing sense of freedom in no longer carrying diapers and wipes.  That’s really all I can remember.  Oh, and I learned that I still need to carry wipes.  Everywhere.stop_poop_sign

  • Turns out, Abe found a secondary use for the jets of our Jacuzzi tub: an enema. One minute, he’s laid up against the side of the tub washing his backside and the next thing I know he’s laughing hysterically on the toilet shouting that he just shot water from his bottom.  Feb. 2013
  • The neighbors behind us are selling their house. I am being very strategic as I peer out and see who is walking through their yard. If it appears I’d like them as potential neighbors, I keep the boys inside and as quiet as possible. If I’m uncertain, I send them outside for play as usual. April 2013
  • Me: “Ben, do you have poop in your pants?
    Ben: “Yes.”
    Me: “Why didn’t you tell Mommy so you could use the potty?”
    Ben” “I’m just sneaky like that.”
    I’m pretty sure if a kid can use the word “sneaky,” he shouldn’t be crapping himself. The Minivan Dream continues. May 2013

There was both shame and endearment while trick-or-treating as Abe would yell out from the doors of people’s houses to me on the street, “MOM, would you rather have Twix or Butterfinger?” Nov. 2013

  • You know those kids you were anxious about having your first-born play with because of the negative impact their older siblings may have had? As Gus went dancing through the house, slapping his booty singing, “What Does the Fox Say,” I realize I, indeed, have one of those kids. Nov. 2013
  • I stepped on poop. Inside my house. We don’t own a pet. I guess the good news is it was only a foot away from the toilet?  Dec. 2013

Want to read more?  “Like” Eat Clean. Live Dirty. on Facebook.

Writing Prompt:  Things that make you happy.

Mama’s Losin’ It

13 thoughts on “My Life in Facebook Posts

  1. I was literally crying reading some of these. Particularly the reflective crotch (really Dave’s disregard to help a girl out) and the enema.

    • Yes, Dave radiates love and support. Especially when it comes to my clothes. :P And can’t you just see boys LOVING the fact that their behinds can function as squirt guns? It’s not lost on me.

  2. Hysterical!! I have read this three times, Cannot wait to share with my sister in law. Awesome written history, I hope you keep it up!! LOL Found you through Mama Kat. Looking forward to exploring her more!

  3. Oh, this is fantastic. So glad we connected because we have gots to trade some stories girlfriend. And seriously, is there anything worse than poop in a tub?

    • Oh, could we swap some stories! The only thing worse than poop is the tub is when they try to hand you the water-logged turd. Sadly, it’s happened more than I’d like to admit.

    • I really shouldn’t be surprised by these things any more, but they continue to out-do themselves. Thanks for stopping by!

  4. What a life! These are hysterical and I love that you consulted Facebook for the memories to share. These kids are definitely more than we bargained for. OH and thank you for sharing my video!! What a lovely surprise for me!

  5. I am visiting since you graciously stopped by my page and I love your post. It’s a great idea to keep track of your highlights on Facebook! Such fun and funny posts.
    Lots of bathroom stuff going on!
    Enjoyed it, have a great week!
    Vanessa

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