Have you ever been told that you should do something just because you were told to? If so, you may have had an authoritarian parent, and that may have impacted everything from your academic performance to your social interactions. Now, it might even impact the way you treat your own children.

Psychologists have identified four main parenting styles: Authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, and neglectful, says an article from the Mayo Clinic. While most parents have their own mix of styles, many fall predominantly into one style, which may have advantages and disadvantages for their family and kids. Keep reading as we dive into the advantages and disadvantages of authoritarian parenting.

What is Authoritarian Parenting?

Authoritarian parenting is the strictest style of parenting. It means parents enforce strict rules and give punishments or strict consequences for breaking the rules. Often, children aren't given context or an explanation for these rules – they're just made and enforced. Kids of authoritarian parents are held to high standards and may live in fear of punishment if they don't live up to the standards. Over the past several decades, psychologists have steered parents away from this style of parenting, favoring the less harsh authoritative parenting as the best way to raise kids.

What are the Disadvantages of Authoritarian Parenting?

Because they've been raised with only the option of following the rules available to them, the children of authoritarian parents often lack decision-making skills. When situations arise that don't have clear right and wrong or good and bad choices, kids often don't know what to do or how to navigate the different choices.

Children of authoritarian parents can also display low self-esteem. After being punished every time they make a mistake, they live in fear that they'll do something wrong. This can lead to not thinking they're good enough or smart enough to pursue certain paths. Also, because kids with authoritarian parents are often shown less empathy when they're growing up, they don't develop as much empathy themselves, which can hinder their ability to make friends.

In some cases, children of authoritarian parents can be rebellious. They become tired of always following the rules and no longer care about the consequences, wanting to make their own choices or deliberately defy their parents instead. It's not just their parents they might rebel against, however. These children might rebel against all authority figures from teachers to other family members.

While you might think kids with authoritarian parents would do better academically, that isn't always the case. Studies found that kids with authoritarian parents were less likely to try their own methods to find the answers to questions. Because their parents never express their own uncertainty about facts, even when they are wrong, these kids don't know how to find the solution if they are uncertain. They can be less inclined to try different methods, like looking up an answer or asking a teacher for help. Also, researchers found that kids respond better to positive feedback when they do well than they do to negative feedback for performing poorly.

Are There Any Advantages to Authoritarian Parenting?

While authoritarian parenting is often viewed as harsh and old-fashioned, there can be some advantages for kids and families, says a post on Wellspring Prevention. Children of authoritarian parents have clear and defined boundaries – they know what the rules are and are willing to follow them. This can help them be more organized and disciplined than peers raised with other parenting styles.

Kids with authoritarian parents often see safety as non-negotiable. They're the ones wearing the bike helmet, not climbing on the roof of the playhouse, and staying in when their friends are sneaking out.

How Can You Avoid Becoming an Authoritarian Parent?

Many parents who are currently raising children were raised in households with authoritarian parents. It can be hard to break the cycle, especially if you think you turned out just fine with your parents' style, or if it's valued within your culture. If you want to avoid being an authoritarian parent, start by reading up on authoritative parenting. This style is similar in that there are still established rules, but both rules and consequences make sense and are discussed with your kids first. Make sure that you're not using “because I said so” as an explanation for why your kid should or should not do something.

Authoritative parents also use positive reinforcement to help guide kids into making the right decision. This means rewarding your kids when they do something well and making sure you allow your child some autonomy. Whenever possible, give them opportunities to make choices for themselves. Listen to your kids so you can figure out how to support them and guide them toward good decisions so that they can develop confidence and independence.

The image featured at the top of this post is ©fizkes/Shutterstock.com.

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It never fails. You get the kids to bed, finally crawl into your own bed after a long and exhausting day, and then the second you turn off the lights, you hear a small voice from your doorway: “Can we talk?” Emotions hit hard when the sun goes down, and it’s often when your child will want to discuss the heavy things. It may not always be easy, but we'll walk you through why you should always welcome the conversation and how to calm big feelings when they're overwhelming your child.

Do: Listen to the Best of Your Ability at the Time

As parents, we know that listening is the first key to understanding our children. When your child asks to talk, be sure to make eye contact and fully engage your brain in the conversation. But, if your kids are like mine and prefer to save the biggest, most emotional conversations for the middle of the night and/or when I'm the only parent in the house, you may not always be able to give one child your undivided attention. It's okay to listen as long as you can, and then ask your child to continue the conversation later or to write down some of their feelings to talk about later.

Don't: Listen Halfway While Doing Something Else

If you want to make sure your kid continues talking to you when they have a problem, you need to show them you're paying attention. Put down your phone and turn off the TV. Finish any other essential tasks you might be doing before delving into a deeper conversation.

Do: Say a Few Words to Show You're Listening

Sometimes your child might need some reassurance that you're listening to what they're saying. Maintaining eye contact and saying “Yes,” or “OK,” shows children that you hear what they're saying. A reassuring nod can also go a long way. Respect their time and trust in you by acknowledging that you're listening.

Don't: Make Snap Judgements or Offer Unsolicited Advice

One of my favorite books on this topic is How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. The book instructs parents to think of how they would want another adult, like a friend, spouse, or sibling, to respond if they were complaining or venting about something that happened in their day.

If you were complaining to your spouse that you were tired, you wouldn't want them to say that you're just lazy or need to eat more protein. Like adults, children may be looking for sympathy or a solution. But, if they need a solution, they might ask you to help or they may want to take some ownership by coming up with a solution on their own.

Do: Identify Their Emotion

Sometimes little kids know they don't like the feeling they're experiencing, but they don't know what it is or how to handle it. You can use our feelings chart for kids to figure out what emotion might be troubling your kid, or just talk through what happened to help them figure out if they're nervous, anxious, scared, sad, angry, or frustrated. Once they (and you) know how they're feeling, you can help them come up with a way to feel better that's appropriate for the time, their age, and the situation.

Don't: Minimize Their Feelings

Telling your child that they're overreacting, being a baby, or not working hard enough at something makes them feel like you aren't on their side. Even if their problem seems small to you, it's important to show that you care and are working with them to help resolve the issue and get them back to feeling like themselves. Kids aren't going to come back to you to talk about their problems if they feel like you're belittling them or not giving their feelings enough weight.

Do: Determine If There is a Problem That Needs Solving

Kids, like adults, sometimes just need to talk about something that happened during their day that frustrated them. Sometimes my kids vent to me about issues like their class not getting extra free time because a few kids weren't behaving, or not being picked for a team or theater part that they wanted. In some of these cases, it's okay to just say “Well, that stinks. I'm sorry that happened.” Hugs, empathy and time can sometimes heal as well as words, and sometimes things disappoint us but don't require a solution or a larger discussion.

Do: Talk Your Child Through Possible Solutions or Coping Mechanisms — IF That's What They Want

My children often worry about things like feeling left out at recess or not doing well on a test or assignment, and they're asking for advice both on what to do about the worry and/or the problem itself. These are the kinds of problems that Dad or I can help them create a set of possible solutions for without outside help.

We find we have more success when we explain to our kids these are problems we dealt with in our childhood, too. Try telling your kids about a time when you experienced a similar situation and what you did to make it better. We often ask them to think of a possible solution, and they usually come up with the same things we would suggest: trying to play with a different friend or group at recess, being ok with spending some time by yourself, asking for help studying for a test, or spending a little more time on an especially difficult assignment.

Don't: Assume Your Child Already Knows How to Cope

While your child may be able to come up with a possible solution if you walk them through it, don't simply assume your child already has the coping strategies they need. If they're dealing with big feelings, they may need your help in learning how to cope with stress and anxiety that may come up during the school day.

You might talk to your child about breathing techniques, having a mantra to help yourself calm down, playing with a fidget, or counting down from 100 in your head to get your mind off the stressful situation.

You can also talk to your child about mindfulness. Especially if your child is ruminating in the middle of the night, it can be important to talk about recognizing and breaking the cycle of worrisome thoughts. Make a plan for what you are going to do about the situation you are worried about, and then think about something else, like reading a book or imagining your next vacation instead of dwelling on your worry.

Do: Ask For Outside Help If your Child Needs It

If your child is asking for advice on a bigger issue, you may need more than a minute to think about the best course of action. You can find resources for children with anxiety and depression through the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychology. Learn more about what to do if your child is being bullied at StopBullying.gov. And make sure you talk to your children's teachers, principal, and/or doctors if the issue is beyond something you can deal with at home.

Don't: Ignore Your Instincts

If you feel something bigger might be going on with your child, it's better to look into it and find nothing than ignore something that could be a major issue. Sometimes, even if you don't know exactly what your child is dealing with, you have to trust your instincts when you feel like something is up.

Do: Make Sure Your Child Feel Safe and Comfortable Talking to You

If your child has come to you in the middle of the night with a worry or a problem, they're unlikely to immediately feel better and return to sleep within the hour. But hopefully, by listening, understanding, and possibly helping them find a path forward, they will feel more at ease. Make sure you've done everything you can to provide comfort, whether it's through words, hugs, or just being there, before asking them to try to go back to sleep or to return to the next activity. Tell them that it's ok to continue a conversation later if they continue to experience an emotion, but don't force them to talk about it again. Again, sometimes it just helps to be there and say nothing at all.

The image featured at the top of this post is ©Alexander_Safonov/Shutterstock.com.

The post When Kids Open Up: The Essential Do’s and Don’ts for Meaningful Conversations appeared first on Moms Who Think.

Helping kids grow into healthy adults means making sure they get into the habit of being active. That doesn't mean that they have to go to a gym and start a formal exercise program. The CDC recommends 60 minutes of activity every day for all kids ages 6-17. Combined with a healthy diet, this can prevent childhood obesity and help kids develop good habits before they reach adulthood.

The problem is not all of us live in climates where it's possible to take kids outside all year round. Not to mention, sometimes it's raining, too hot, too windy, or the air quality isn't conducive to outdoor activities. There are lots of creative ways to get your kids moving, though, that don't require a lot of space, going outside, or owning fancy equipment. Here are some of our favorite ideas to make sure you keep your kid moving all year round!

Online Kids Activity Programs

Remote learning has become a popular tool for allowing kids to keep learning through everything from snow days to a pandemic. Teachers often use Go Noodle for online exercises for elementary school kids so they can get active minutes. The kid-friendly music and motions help them get moving while having fun. There are other sites available as well, including FitKids and NetflexKids. Many of the programs on these sites don't require a lot of space or equipment and can be appropriate for kids as young as kindergarten.

Winter Outdoor Sports

I have one kid who will go out no matter the temperature as long as there is snow. He's the perfect one to take sledding! While sledding itself is passive, he burns lots of energy walking up and down the hill carrying his sled and holding onto his friends' sleds as they speed down the hill together.
My other child loves ice skating. It's an easy activity to teach kids yourself, and you can buy used skates for good prices in colder climates. If they become proficient enough to require lessons, they can choose to learn figure skating, speed skating, or even hockey!

Skiing is also a great option for bigger kids. Go cross-country if you don't have mountains nearby and don't want to spend lots of money on a trip, or try snowboarding for a little more money. Those who live in climates where it's cold more often than not can find places that offer snowshoeing, curling, or broomball for older kids.

Hiking at a Local Park or Forest Preserve

The great thing about hiking is that almost anyone can do it! Find a local forest preserve and start out with a trail that you think your kids can handle. That could be a half mile for first-timers or maybe 2-3 miles if your kids have more stamina. Challenge your kids to keep moving! This is also a great way to enjoy nature and teach your kids about reading maps.

Register for a Kids' Road Race or Triathlon

Local event organizers often think of kids and families when planning their races. If you search for 5ks in your area, you'll often also find a kids' run that goes with it. Many race organizers pick 1 kilometer (which is good for kids ages 4 and up), one mile (which many kids can do at age 6) or 3k (best for ages 8 and up). Encourage your kids to train for a race with you!

The shortest races could require 10 minutes or less of running 2-3 times a week. The promise of a medal at the end could keep kids motivated. You can even find an indoor track or gym to practice or race at in many fitness centers. Many local park districts also offer indoor triathlons during the winter. If your kid can swim across the pool once or twice, they may have enough endurance for these races.

Take Swim Lessons

Swimming is a great activity for building muscle and it's an essential life skill as well. If you live in a climate that's cold enough to have indoor pools, you should be able to find a swim school to take lessons. Once you're signed up, look out for open swim times to attend with your family. Most kids love the pool and will want to spend at least an hour swimming and playing in the water! Swimming is also one of the best ways to stay active when it's too hot.

Play an Active Video Game

Got a Switch or a PS5 at home? Find a video game that encourages off-the-couch activity for your family. Some popular choices include Nintendo Switch Sports and Just Dance. You don't have to count this as screen time and it's fun to do with family or friends!

Make an Indoor or Outdoor Obstacle Course

You don't need much to create an obstacle course inside or outside of your house to keep kids active. Pick up some painter's tape and make shapes on the floor to jump in and out of. Make a tunnel to crawl through using couch cushions or chairs and a sheet. Use a spoon to carry a bouncy ball from one end of the room to the other. If you have stairs in your house, use them as a great way to get heart rates up. You can even divide into teams and challenge your kids to a relay obstacle course race!

Visit a Climbing Gym

The CDC recommends kids do some strength-building activities to stay active. Rock climbing and wall climbing are great ways for kids to lift their own body weight, which is a great alternative to actually lifting weights. Many indoor climbing walls also have other fun weight-bearing activities like high ropes courses or bouldering. These activities may be available indoors or outdoors depending on where you live.

Find an Open Gym

For almost every indoor sport, there's a facility hosting an open gym for kids to try it out. Our kids have tried gymnastics, martial arts, ninja warrior, basketball, volleyball, and more at local park district or YMCA facilities. Kids love trying something new and could find their new favorite sport at an open gym.

The image featured at the top of this post is ©Marian Weyo/Shutterstock.com.

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